Nothing like not being able to keep your friggin' fly up for more than 5 seconds today. Every God DAMNED step I take I have to endure a "dude, your barn door's open" or "you just happy to see me?" or "mission control to your zipper, we have a problem." I wore these pants last week and they were fine, so why all the sudden can't I keep this fly up? It's in my nature to place blame on others, so i'm blaming somebody today, somebody...I don't care who it is at this point.
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Can anyone please f**king explain to me why the #2,3, and 4 busses have to stop on EVERY F**KING CORNER????? Literally. Every corner. EVERY CORNER! So if you live in the middle of the block, you can walk out of your apartment and choose right or left, EITHER WAY, you'll run smack dab into a Clement, Jackson, or Sutter Bus stop. Being on any one of those busses in the morning is like being trapped inside somebody else's migraine. You can't quite figure out what's going on, you feel a dull pain, then it stops, then it starts again, then stops, and so on, until you're finally off and out on the street, shaking like an epileptic and muttering like any one of the 3.8 million homeless people this fair city is home too. Which brings me to my next point....
San Francisco is the most beautiful city in America. I won't argue that point. I won't. (Seattle, New York, Charleston, New Orleans, you name another, and then really think about it....see? Not even close) San Francisco is a progressive, intelligent, internationally acclaimed city. Yet, all of the things that make this city great are also what keep this city mired in one of the worst homeless situations of any 1st World City in the world. I mean, are you kidding me? Our uuber liberalism and refusal to "force" these people into warm beds, hot showers, and warm meals b/c we don't want to trample on their civil liberties (which, by the way, I believe you give up the second you take a hot shit in a public fountain and badger people as they walk by) These people need our help. We somehow spend close to $400 million on them each year, yet nothing seems to change. They need mental care, physical aid, and a place to rest their heads. Yet when I come to work in the morning, after getting off the metal migraine which is the Muni, I am treated to a rousing rendition of "listen to me fart and scream simultaneously, all while spitting!" Way to go SF, nothing better than giving the city of San Jose something to hold over our heads.
Fake laughter. I only bring this up b/c I just heard my boss go into his hearty, "I'm such a decent guy, here me laugh" routine. Dude, no one's buying it. No one.
People who leave their #'s on my voice-mail as if I can listen to what they're saying and write down their #'s at warp speed. You know what i'm talking about..."hi, this is Samantha, you can reach me at fivefoureightthreetwoeighttwo thank you goodbye." So f**king annoying.
Julia Roberts smile. No one deserves to be that happy. She has to let the whole world know just how good she has it. F her.
The awkward "no, no...i've got it" routine at the end of a date w/ the check. Let's be honest here....it's not that often that any of us truly WANT to pay, it's just that we do (I refuse to make this a gender issue) because we feel it's the right thing to do. You know what would be nice? A new honest meal policy, where either the guy or the girl (or same sex, whatever) can say at the end of the meal "you know what, I would like your help with this bill, I don't think this experience was worth me paying $78.19" I mean seriously, half the dates I go on, wait....90% of the dates I go on, aren't really that good a time. Yes, yes...I'm sure i'm the one to blame, seeing as how i'm the asshole.
Intestinal discomfort. Just plain sucks.
The terms "agro" and "hella" when said seriously. I know this is a regional thing, and i'm sure us East Coasters say things that make you peeps out here cringe, but this is my rant.
Bill Maher. The words "hate" and "Bill Maher", when searched on google, reveal 348 sites devoted to how much people hate him. It's a gift, Bill, enjoy. (any man that egotistical, who truly believes he's always right, AND that ugly, is really a cosmic lesson to the rest of us)
Computers, phones, and offices. No need to go into detail, all of you understand.
Rod Stewart. End of story.
My MC: A girl with a good sense of humor and really big, firm tits.